trying something new?

26 July 2009

she's having a pity party by herself, glad no one was invited

mmmm, that just may be the starting lyrics of my one-hit-wonder.


i'm so freakin' annoyed. at everything and everyone it feels like. and a whole lot at me. why do i get like this when i know the reason why?

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five

my hand that's in the pocket is clinched tight around that last little patience, good sense, willingness to cooperate, and love that i feel like i possess...meanwhile, i'm slapping high-fives and smiling till my head hurts at everyone i'm with, "oh, yeah! living the dream! couldn't be better...."

Like Jon Foreman said,"The easiest thing to do is to throw a rock. It’s a lot harder to create a stained glass window. I used to get upset at the people who threw rocks but now I’d rather spend my time building the stained glass windows." i feel both like i'm throwing rocks and getting mad at those who are. "...I don't want to fly ayone's flag other than Christ's." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!xinfinity and 2 squared!) I know what I want. Why do I find it so easy to go after the things I don't really want?

I've had 2 of the greatest sentences in the world given TO ME. Straight to me. "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls." hmmmm, knew it was coming, knew why it was coming, know what i should be doing about it aaaaand yet, don't. and i totally spelled both those 'comings' with two 'm's each. hmmmm.

i've told myself through a variety of means:

striving for Perfection,

i'll swim against the current and all the normalities of this life and be entirely content

my decision won't be perfect--

i will fall and flop against the sand

but i will rise again and keep running till the end:

happy in my choice

"Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself...With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful..." [Max E.]

i really don't want comments of, "oh, my! are you okay? vent to me anytime!" or an email or really to draw attention by this self-pity, (though i guess that's what i'm doing by this)--i just wanted an open line where i could say it, send it out into the little void and not have a sympathy response or advice or the answers which i know to be true, (honest!) i just really don't want them said to me right now.

::sigh:: i freakin' hate these pity-parties...they're lame and non-forward moving.

i think i shall retreat to my room with my little pepsi, my chips, Confessions of a Shopaholic, and some Psalms.